When I was 28 years old, my dad died suddenly. He came home for lunch, had a heart attack, and was gone.

There was a flurry of activity to notify family members and arrange his funeral, among a myriad of other tasks. We were all stunned, moving like automatons through this thoroughly unexpected ending. My shock was total.

After about six months passed, I began to thaw, and to feel the pain that had been frozen underneath the shock. But by then, everyone had gone back to their lives, and (I guess) assumed that I had done the same. Just when I needed people the most, they were all gone.

This taught me some profound lessons about a life-changing event:  First, when there is a sudden loss or death, it can take months before you even START to grieve. By then, people may well assume that you “have closure” and are okay—which makes the event’s aftermath even lonelier.

Second, I learned that catastrophic loss changes you forever. There is a “before the loss” and an “after the loss” you.

Third, I learned that although grief changes shape and intensity over time, it never really goes away. In my opinion, “closure” is a myth.

For me, the last decade has been a protracted exercise in metabolizing and surviving a string of profound losses. From large societal disasters through to the personal loss of beloveds, well, the hits just keep on coming. It seems like I can barely register one loss—much less process it—before another arrives.

I am not alone in this. I am not alone in suffering multiple consecutive losses, and I am not alone in struggling to mourn without losing my sanity and humanity.

But enough about me! This blog is typically about the workplace, so let me focus there:

I think that companies, organizations, teams and individuals have suffered calamities, and that many of us working mourners are not only deeply sad but also traumatized. For the most part, this isn’t explicitly stated or addressed. So we limp along, attempting to function, attempting to quietly recover—but we are still “walking wounded.” The toll this takes on individuals, teams, and workplaces is hidden, but high.

I’m hoping that if you are a leader, that this post will help you to contend with the ways grief may show up in yourself and your colleagues, or on your teams. I’m not suggesting that you become anyone’s grief counselor, but remembering that this is the water that people—and you!— are swimming in may be helpful.

Although it may feel counterintuitive, it can be helpful to detail to yourself (in a journal, a poem, a song–whatever modality you like) exactly what you have lost. Naming and acknowledging losses has helped me to understand myself and show myself some compassion, instead of trying to soldier on (which never ultimately helps.)

I’ll list some of mine to get you started, but please, make a list of your own.

Among my workplace losses were:

-The loss of my favorite clients of all time, when their department was “reorganized” into oblivion. It was more than a reorg, it was the end.

-The loss of a major client who, without warning, discontinued using external executive coaches like me. I went from coaching dozens of leaders at this company, to zero leaders in a matter of weeks.

-The loss of a coaching relationship with a company whose CEO had lost sight of the vision and values that had attracted me there initially. I resigned in disgust. It was my choice, but it still hurt.

-The loss of in-person work. I thought that as an introvert I would LOVE this working from home thing, but instead I felt sadly untethered and isolated.

-The loss connected to witnessing mass layoffs; coaching both those who were laid off (often in needlessly cruel ways) and those with survivor guilt who stayed on. Different sets of issues, but both emotional and intense.

That’s just my list; I’m guessing you have one of your own.

If you do, when was the last time you explicitly thought about your losses, or talked about them with anyone? Have you thought about how these losses might still be with you, and how they might be affecting your energy, your motivation, your ability to focus, and how well you lead or connect with colleagues and clients? Have you wondered what others might be contending with, and do you know if there’s anything you as a leader can do to support them?

Change is a constant, and grief can be an element of that, one that haunts us individually and collectively, but that has barely been acknowledged. Unresolved grief can make us behave in ways that are inexplicable to ourselves and to others. And this can have big, unintended impact in the workplace.

In my view, we are living through seismic changes, and are having a collective experience of unacknowledged loss, grief and trauma. Anyone you meet on any given day may be carrying something colossally heavy, something that is invisible to you, but unavoidably dominant to them. I wonder what would happen if we could see each other’s wounds? Would we give our colleagues a little extra room to be imperfect? Would we be kinder, more helpful, more patient? Would we soften our tone and our judgments?

It is important to remember though, that alongside grief there is also and always the beauty and joy of life. Are there people you appreciate, moments of levity or fun or connection on your team, that you could highlight and enjoy more fully? How can you cultivate vitality and spirit on the team, even if (or especially if) some or all of you are also grieving?

Recognizing the grief I feel, and acknowledging the griefs of others has helped me to feel more connected to other humans. And that connectedness lifts me. We are all walking this path called life, in a time of extraordinary pain and peril. But we are also walking this path called life, in a world that has much beauty and love to be enjoyed. Perhaps walking together, in a humanity that acknowledges both the joys and the losses, is the way forward.

***

Recent events have left many of us traumatized, and the months ahead may well be treacherous. If you are trying to function professionally while navigating these perilous times, you may benefit from coaching. If you are curious about trauma-informed leadership coaching, that includes a focus on self-regulation of the nervous system, please contact me at danamgallagher@gmail.com.